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Women and girls need to hear this message, so I’m going to keep saying it: Anger is not bad. Anger is okay. And you have every right to feel and express your anger in ways that truly empower you.
In Why Anger Matters – Part 2, we looked at 4 unhealthy anger patterns that fail to bring you relief and end up harming your relationships. Before I talk about how to manage your anger through healthy expression, it’s important to talk about why anger is so hard for women and girls.
Society’s Message to Females
It’s very difficult for most people who identify as female to feel anger due to cultural and religious stigma attached to female expression of anger. Teresa Bernardez (1991) writes: “A central lesson that girls learn about being the ‘perfect girl’ is that she does not get angry. This unlearning of a central feature of emotional life during adolescence that Brown has observed in girls emerges in adults in the portrayal of the ‘loving woman.’ …Anger is an emotion that makes them vulnerable to criticism and isolation” (Gilligan, Rogers, & Tolman, p. 220). Social pressure to conform and live up to an idealistic female image isn’t just confined to the physicality of your body and how you clothe yourself. Society’s cultural measurements extend beyond your physical attributes to include your demeanor, attitude, professional and personal roles, and interactions with other people. In America and many other places all over the world, the dominant culture continues to be androcentric (male point of view) despite the strides we make toward equality and female empowerment. To fit in and be accepted, females learn early on to suppress and deny any expression of anger and even the natural feeling of anger itself.
You truly can’t deny a feeling. You can try, but it’s like trying to stuff a bunch of leftovers into a Tupperware container that’s too small – you press down on that lid, and stuff starts coming out on the side. It’s messy and frustrating. Your anger works the same way. Stuff it down and try to contain it without feeling it first, and it will end up coming out sideways in your relationships. We already discussed common unhealthy anger patterns, so let’s look at healthier ways of feeling and expressing anger.
Identify Common Triggers
If you get angry often, try and pay attention to what’s causing your anger. Misunderstandings and communication problems in your relationships are common causes of anger. If you don’t know what happens right before you get angry, try focusing on just recognizing how anger shows up in your body. These are physical clues that let you know you’re ready to take action, so focusing on the physical sensations and naming them can help you slow down and think before you act. “I feel tense, my chest is tight, I’m breathing faster, I feel red hotness inside me that wants to explode…” The more you notice anger in your body and speak the physical manifestations of it out loud, the less chance you have of exploding. When you pay attention, you’re thinking and feeling at the same time, and that automatically decreases the intensity of your emotions.
Work on Solving the Problem
Instead of attacking people, or yourself, ask yourself “What’s the problem?” and then work on steps you can take to solve it. Identify things that are both inside and outside your control. Let go of what you cannot control and work on what you can. This automatically helps direct your anger into constructive dialogue, and it helps put you on the same team with your partner, child, or anyone else, fighting against the problem instead of fighting with each other.
Movement & Mindfulness Walks Outside
If you’re feeling angry, get moving. Take a walk. Moving your body sends a signal to your brain that you’re taking action to get out of danger, and that helps your brain send new signals throughout your body that it’s time to calm down. Practice taking regular walks through a park or around your neighborhood, especially when you feel like your anger is triggered and about to spin out of control. If you’re in an argument, tell the other person you need to step away but you’ll be back to finish talking it out. Getting outside is helpful. Interact with nature using your five senses. What do you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste? Try taking a closer look by turning a leaf over to see the underside. What do the veins look like? Any traces of bugs? Bend over and touch blades of grass or feel the concrete sidewalk under your feet. Do you notice any ants crawling around? Pay attention to the wind on your face. Is it cool, warm, light, or heavy? Do you hear birds singing, dogs barking, or the hum of traffic nearby? Being outside opens your world up and helps you remember there is so much more going on than the problems and difficulties that make you feel angry.
Gratefulness
What are you grateful for? When you practice focusing on things that make you happy to be alive, you’re creating a positive pathway in your brain that helps lift you out of negativity. Gratitude journals help you remember all the things that are good in your world.
Practice Positive Self-Talk
If you often turn angry at yourself, and you’re stuck in negative self-talk, you can’t just tell yourself to stop it and expect it’s going to get better. Negative thoughts about yourself perpetuate feelings of frustration, irritation, and annoyance – all of which are on the anger spectrum. Another counselor once told me this truth, and it changed my own mental practices: The absence of negative does not equal positive. Just because you eliminate negative thoughts about yourself doesn’t mean positive ones will automatically fill the space. You have to make an effort to fill that space with positive thoughts. Come up with some positive statements about yourself, and practice saying them to yourself every day. Keep them somewhere on your phone and you can read them to yourself wherever you are. It might sound cheesy, but it works. Here are some to start with: What happens to me does not define me. I’m a good friend. I treat others with respect. I do a good job of listening. I can do this. I am proud of myself for trying hard. I forgive myself for past mistakes.
Life Experiences with Anger Journal
Start writing about times throughout your life when angry people hurt you. Go back as far as you can remember and write as much detail as you can. Taking an inventory of your experiences with anger will help you understand how you’ve been impacted by anger, and why you might be expressing anger in unhealthy ways. If it becomes upsetting, or you think it might be too disruptive, it’s a good idea to meet with a counselor to work through past experiences.
Chronic Anger
If you’re angry a lot and experiencing relationship difficulties because of your anger, but you just can’t stop being angry no matter what you do, then it’s time for professional help. Searching for tips on the internet and reading more self-help articles isn’t going to change much for you. It’s a good idea to try these resources:
- Trusted Medical Professional. Find a doctor or nurse practitioner who listens well and will work to rule out possible medical reasons for chronic anger. Anger can be a symptom of hormonal imbalances, thyroid issues, and other physical problems. And for women, perimenopause (which can last years prior to menopause) can wreak havoc on your emotional stability. Search for a doctor who knows about perimenopause and won’t just tell you to come back when you’ve missed your period for 12 months in a row. Perimenopause can be more disruptive than menopause, so it’s important to find a good doctor.
- Anger Management Classes or Therapy Groups. I recommend doing this in person and not online. Being in the presence of others who struggle with anger can help you understand yourself better. Group Therapy can sometimes teach you more about your anger, why you feel it, and how to decrease it, than individual counseling sessions.
- Mental Health Counselor. When there isn’t a medical reason, chronic anger is nearly always the symptom of unresolved trauma from childhood or past relationships. It could also be the result of current toxic relationships. You need a safe space with a trained professional who can work with your anger without getting triggered or telling you to stuff it or get over it. The confidentiality, empathy, and support of a good counselor who specializes in anger management is worth the financial investment.
And lastly, practice some deep breathing. All the time. Morning and night. When you practice during calm, normal moments, you’re more likely to remember to breathe deeply when you’re upset.
In the next blog post of this series, Can I Control My Anxiety? we’ll discuss quick and easy breathing techniques that calm your body and help you feel more relaxed.
Gilligan, C., Rogers, A., & Tolman, D. (1991). Women, girls & psychotherapy: reframing resistance. New York, NY: Routledge Taylor & Francis.
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