Have you ever rated yourself as a parent? Do you wonder if you’re doing things right? If you’re like my clients, the answer is yes. Maybe you’ve gotten condescending looks from strangers in the grocery store because your child is throwing a temper tantrum, or your well-meaning mother is trying to tell you how you should be raising your kids – wherever it comes from, there is a sense that kids behave properly in all situations if they are being raised “right.”
As a counselor who’s spent hundreds of hours working with kids and parents, I can tell you that is simply not true.
Believing that you need to know how to handle every situation and interaction with your child “the right way” is bound to make you frustrated or overwhelmed. You are learning and growing your parenting skill set the entire time you’re a parent, and there is no “right way” to be a parent. Just like there is no “right way” to be a kid. If your child is often disruptive in class, or defiant at home, or experiences out-of-control emotions, it can be easy for your thoughts to spiral into “I’m a bad parent” or “my kids are bad.” If you find yourself with those kinds of thoughts right now, I want you to pause, take a deep breath, exhale, and give yourself a break, and then keep reading about how counseling might help.
Except for people who abuse and neglect children, most parents are doing the best they can with what they know. And children come in all shapes, sizes, and temperaments. It’s not easy when your kid is behaving in a way you don’t understand and can’t seem to control. Although splitting parents into “good” or “bad” categories is really not helpful, there are parenting styles that prove to be more effective than others, especially when it comes to managing behaviors in children. If you don’t know how to handle your child’s aggressive or disobedient behaviors, a trained counselor can help you learn positive parenting skills and techniques that can be adapted to work with your kids. Counseling can also help when your child has developmental or mental health issues that cause disruptive behaviors or out-of-control emotions. There are also things you can try at home, however, prior to making an investment in counseling. (Hint: It’s some of the same stuff I teach to parents in counseling session.)
Here are 5 parenting tips and techniques to try:
- Pile on the praise. Try and focus on your child’s positive behaviors and give encouragement whenever those behaviors happen. Give your kids straight-up praise for things you like to see them doing, without criticizing or adding extra phrases like “I wish you’d do that all the time” or “why can’t you be like this more often?” – those are negative statements, and they won’t help your kid want to listen to you. Get in the habit of complimenting your kids when you see them sharing with others, using table manners at meal times, brushing their teeth, and putting their toys away. Telling your kid “Wow, I like how you’re sharing so nicely with your brother – good job!” instills a sense of pride and stirs a longing in your child’s mind to hear more praise from you. That’s motivation for more positive behavior.
- Manage your expectations. It’s unfortunately a common reaction to criticize or judge others when our expectations are not met. Parents often expect children to listen and do what they’re told, and parents don’t always handle it well when children don’t. Knowing what’s normal for your child’s age and developmental level is helpful in managing your expectations for them. What you are asking of your child, or telling your child to do, may not be developmentally appropriate. Lots of kids display aggressive behaviors at a young age when they are learning about the environment around them and how to interact with other people and objects. Kids are learning about empathy for a very long time before they understand and can show they “get it.” Typing in the words “ages and stages of development” or “developmentally appropriate behaviors” in your search engine will yield tons of informative websites – check them out to discover appropriate expectations for your child’s behaviors.
- Regulate your own emotions. If you tend to get angry and frustrated easily, guess who’s watching and learning? Your kids. Observation is one of the key ways that kids learn. They copy what other people are doing, and if you yell, curse, slam doors, or do other harmful things when you’re angry, your kid is likely to do those same things, too. At the very least, your kids won’t know what to do with their own angry feelings if you don’t show them. If you can learn to say what you’re feeling, accept it as just a feeling that will pass, and take a few deep breaths to calm yourself, you’re actually teaching your kids how to handle their own emotions. And kids don’t know how to do that unless you show them – over and over and over again.
- Take time for yourself. Parenting is a full-time job, and it’s hard! Please take time to focus on caring for yourself, too. You need it. If you can’t afford to hire a babysitter, or you’re not sure what taking time for yourself means, here are some suggestions: Get involved in a parents’ group and build trusting relationships with other parents, then switch off “me time” with them by watching each other’s kids occasionally; ask family and friends if they wouldn’t mind playing with your kids while you make dinners for the week or finish tasks that need to get done; if you already have a sitter or nanny, see if you can find money in your budget to pay for an extra few hours a month for you to go hang out with a friend. Maybe getting up earlier in the morning and taking five minutes to just sit and enjoy the quiet is enough. Whatever it looks like, give yourself a break.
- Be kind. Mostly, try to be kinder to yourself. Remember there are no perfect parents. If you can start to reframe your thoughts from “I’m a bad parent” into “I didn’t handle that the best, but I love my kid and I can do something different next time” – then you’re halfway there. The kinder you are to YOU, the kinder you will be to your kids, and the kinder your kids will be to you, too.
I’m trained in many positive parenting therapy models, and I will be posting upcoming parenting workshops soon. That’s a way for you to get a lot more information in just a couple of hours. I also offer parent coaching sessions that are much shorter in duration than traditional therapy. If you have any questions, or would like to discuss these options, please call me or send me a message.
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