The bond between mother and child shapes a daughter’s self-worth well into adulthood. To say that a mother’s love contributes greatly to the relationships women form later in life is not overstating it. Mother’s Day is a way to celebrate the safe harbor and lifelong love found in the mother-child bond.
For many women, Mother’s Day means something other than celebration. I’m reminded of the women I know and love who have lost children, experienced miscarriages, never had children (by choice or not), whose mothers have passed on, or who have never known a loving mother. As much as it’s a day for celebrating, Mother’s Day can be just as difficult and painful for many.
Honoring your story on Mother’s Day is important. Wherever you are in your story – mothered well, unmothered, missing your mother or children – I hope you can name what’s happening for you. Your feelings are worthy of attention, your thoughts count, YOU matter. Ignoring, avoiding, or burying what is naturally occurring inside you may seem like a good way to handle any emotional disruption that arises on Mother’s Day, but who is that really serving? Your friends and family who want the day to be business as usual with customary rituals? The people on your social media accounts who want to see idealistic and airbrushed images or memes? Some unnamed judge in your head that constantly pushes you to live up to the expectations of others?
If you want to celebrate on Mother’s Day, then I hope you celebrate well with joy and gratefulness. If you feel uneasy, confused, or just not sure what to do with yourself on Mother’s Day, then try and be curious about these feelings. Give yourself grace and compassion to let your emotions exist as they are. And if grief is waiting at your door, I hope you welcome her in.
Grieving and mourning your loss or lack of mothering, in whatever form, is not selfish or inappropriate or something you can just get over without processing. Grief is often avoided because it’s risky. As Hope Edelman (2014) says in her book Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss (p. 14): “To actively grieve involves risk. We have to relinquish self-control and let our emotions run their course. Maintaining control gives us the illusion of normalcy, but at what cost? And for how long?”
You can maintain the illusion of normalcy to avoid feeling the gaze of friends and family, maybe because you feel embarrassed or unworthy, or to avoid gazing at your own emotional pain because it feels like too much, but it will always cost you the gift of being yourself. When you are genuine with your thoughts and emotions, you give space to others with similar experiences to also be genuine – and to feel less alone. A grief that is shared is sacred ground for the mourner and her community.
For all women, honoring your story on Mother’s Day means being genuine in whatever chapter you’re inhabiting, and offering safe harbor and unconditional acceptance to yourself. Just like any good mother would do.
Edelman, H. (2014). Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss (20th Anniversary ed.). Boston, MA: Da Capo Lifelong.
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